POLYGRASS

note the grass in my mouth

Hay!  Mom did polygrass.  Don't have clue what that is but anything with grass sounds good and doesn't "poly" mean many?  Wow, like many grass!

Odie, it is polygraph and has nothing to do with grass.  Is your mind always on food?  Anyway, let me tell you about this so you can share with your buddies.

I was interviewing for a job that required a secure background check on me.  In addition to the pages of information, medical exam and injections, I had to take a polygraph test.  This test was long (about 3 hrs with 25 pages of questions), stressful and exhausting.  A person is trained and licensed to administer this test and the equipment is very expensive...think over $6,000. 

Remember that crazy movie, "Meet the Fockers", where the potential son-in-law is convinced to take a lie detector test?  See clip below: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgyZ7yb2mmI

It was a little like that but the room was small, sound-proofed with a table, machine, computer & two chairs.  One was the "hot" seat and that was mine. My chair was like a big recliner with a "pad" on the seat.  Little did I know that this pad would monitor my butt reflexes.  The rubber bars went over my chest & stomach.  My left arm was attached to a blood pressure cuff and my right had wires on two fingers.  I was instructed NOT TO MOVE or FIDGET.  So, of course, I became a squirrel.  Before the machine part, we spent time answering 25 pages of questions about my possible "criminal background".  HELLO!!  Was this guy kidding me or what?  No, he was dead on serious and tried to convince me that I was hiding a criminal past.  Of course, that squirrel twitching didn't help as the computer was reading this as "GUILTY!! LIAR!!  Bottom line after passing all my exams, including the polygraph, the position was eliminated.  Unreal.  Watch the clip below to get an idea of how I was feeling during the "test".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPXnoLAEUSQ

So, Mom...what is your dark, criminal background secret?  Did you ever tell the man?

Odie...you are such a cheeky, Haffie!  No secrets, at all.  I am just your dull, loving Mom.